Tug-of-War
by Swanandapirate
Summary: Summary: Set after the end of the last episode, 5x04 Dreamcatcher . Emma struggles with all the things that she's done, but where lies the line between her actions and the Dark One's?


**A/N: Apparently I'm on a roll, because this is my third fic in what, three days? Inspiration just keeps on striking. And by the way this is still no vote of confidence on the quality of my stuff. As always feel free to leave some constructive criticism**

"You will always lose the ones you love the most" Gold's words keep on replaying in her head. It was never supposed to end this way. The fact that she was now the Dark One shouldn't affect her happy ending. She has everything she needed to be content for the rest of her life and somehow the darkness has fucked up everything.

"Emma, it's me. Everything will be alright. We'll make it right, whatever you did. Each and everyone of us had their bad times and yours is no different. Hold on, love."

"Honey, your father and I are working hard to fix you and we have so much support. No doubt that you'll be good in no time. Don't worry, you'll come back to us." Her voice mail is piled up with those kind of inspirational messages and at first Henry's voice was featured in a great many of them, but not anymore. He knows. He knows what she did and who she really is. A terrible person who uses a child's heart for her evil plans. Not even a random child, but the girl her son has a crush on. The worst part is that she doesn't even feel that guilty. If she had to, she would definitely do it again. She knows that it won't take long now before there will be a complete radio silence. Her family might believe in her, but this is a bridge too far. Especially for the leaders of a small town who have to protect it against evil. Pure evil. That's how she'll be seen starting today. Not Emma or Sheriff Swan anymore, but the demon that threatens their beloved Storybrooke. She wants to shout at them. "It's still me. Emma, I've maybe changed, but it is only for the better." She already sees Killian's critical look reading her. Looking for a sign that it's indeed his love, but miserably failing. He doesn't know what happened, what they did to them. "It's all for the greater good, Emma. Don't worry." Well, the greater good can go screw itself, because innocent people shouldn't suffer for the happiness of others.

She walks toward the kitchen, because even Dark Ones need to eat and suddenly she knows. He was here. She can't actually describe what exactly told her that, but she's quite sure of it. Is Killian the one who opened the door? She could imagine him doubting if she'd let him in and then grasping the door handle. Or his small smile when he understands that she did indeed want him to enter. And then him leading the group like the true hero he is. Emma feels dizzy. All these conflicting emotions are too much and she takes a seat. After burying her head in her hands, she inhales. She holds her breath as long as she is physically able and then lets it all go at once. When she was pregnant with Henry, she got lightheaded a couple of times and soon she found that this was the way to chase it away. She would never have guessed being the Dark One would ruin so much. She knows the risks, but emotional instability wasn't one she expected to bother her the most. It feels as if there was a constant game of tug-of-war in her head. One between the light and the dark. She regrets what she did. Sacrificing herself was a stupid idea. Why did she always have to be so fucking heroic? Emma knows that no one else could have carried this burden, but being the almighty savior takes a toll on a person. She actually craves human contact. A good talk with David, or going to Granny's with Henry. Dozing of with Killian on her side. She wonders if they'll ever forgive her. If she even recovers.

She stands up and uses her magic to transport herself out of the house. She ends up at the Storybrooke street fair. She always loved carnivals, but now it makes her feel nothing more than emptiness. It's quite late, so the entire place is abandoned, but the smell of popcorn is still present. She feels like a true villain, lurking in the shadows of the silent town. She didn't even know about the carnival. The idea probably came from her mother, to raise the spirits in these dark times under the Dark One's reign and the regret is back. "For fuck's sake, Emma. You're the most powerful being in this world and in any other. If you want something, just go get it. If you want the pirate, summon him. It's not like he has a choice. Yes, he rejected you, but how long do you think he'll keep resisting you? Go for it." Before she could even think about it, Emma's hand flicks and suddenly a confused Killian is standing before her. Figures, seeing that he appeared in the middle of Storybrooke without any warning.

"What-" He isn't wearing his leather jacket, but a cotton sweater. It has his trademark black color, but seems far more comfortable.

"Dark One, how may I help you?" he seems fairly irritated. Emma talks, Dark One mode on:

"I heard that everyone was having such fun here, so I thought: why not continue the fun at my place?" She smirks seductively.

"Have we not had this conversation before? I'm not interested in your advances."

"What if I offer you something far more intriguing." Killian tries to keep a straight face, but Emma sees a spark of curiosity on his face.

"Let's go." Emma uses her magic and they still end up in her house

"I would appreciate it if you could warn me whenever you use your infernal magic. It isn't a pleasant feeling to be sent back and forward."

"The magic isn't that bad. I can do whatever I want with it. I can conjure up anything you please."

He seems to weigh up every word she says, not knowing what her exact intentions are.

"When you've spent as long as I have finding a way to end the Dark One, I can assure your that I don't feel the same way."

"Did you found anything useful on your quest?" Emma was actually wondering what he had found in those.

"I don't think you would still be like this if I had." His jaw clenches and his words are full of resent. He actually blames himself for the way she is. The Dark One slightly disappears and Emma somewhat returns. He senses the change and tries to read her again.

"Why did you need me again?" he asks.

" I... I have something for Henry."

" He told us what he saw, what you did. I don't know if that's such a good plan." he tells her.

" I know he hates me and you probably do too, but there was a reason." He tries to believe her, but still he says:

" I don't know, Swan." he quickly corrects himself

" I meant Dark-... Never mind."

" Just give him this letter. You can even proof read it. Here, I'll do it myself." She starts reading

"Dear Henry,

I'm sorry. I hope you're well. It feels as if there's a gigantic distance between us and in reality, there actually is. A distance that isn't measurable in miles. I tried to be the mother you deserved and resist every temptation that has come my way, but I've failed miserably. I realize that I could say sorry a thousand times and you'll still not want to see me. What I've done is unforgivable, but there was a reason behind it. I can't tell you anything and it most likely seems like I'm lying or making up excuses, but I swear, Henry, I'm not. Me, staying far away from you is a good thing, because I'm not a good person and I don't know when I'll be one again. But I'll try to fix things, because I already miss you so very much. I'll try. For you and for everyone. I love you. Mom." Emma starts to cry. Killian takes the letter and tries to come closer to her. She speaks, while trying to control herself.

"I'm warning you now." and she poofs him back to where he came from. The fight is too difficult and Emma's giving up. She collapses on the ground and sobs.. After about a minute she stands up, completely composed like nothing happened and goes down to her vault.

The battle in her head continues and the winning party is starting to become clear.


End file.
